anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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