He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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