her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
