I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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