Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
And then he peed in my hair
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