A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
