Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
