he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
