I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
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It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
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I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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