two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
