Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
