I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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