I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
