Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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