He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
