I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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