I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
