Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
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Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
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I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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