You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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