An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
