last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
