just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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