So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
