I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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