when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
