Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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