The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
