You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
