my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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