You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
