tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
