my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
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I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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