she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
