I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I currently don't understand fingers.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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