You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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