New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
