Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
