You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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