you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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