Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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