bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
