Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
