I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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