my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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