I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
