Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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