I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
