He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
