Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
