i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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