sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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