I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
