OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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