I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
did i walk over a car last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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