the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If I die, sorry about rent.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
