you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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