I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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