things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
