So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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