i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
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Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
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I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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